Before My Eyes
by Air Guitar Pixie
Summary: Dean is dead. Jess is alive. And somehow, Sam remembers two versions of his past- one spent hunting supernatural creatures, and another traveling cross-country while his dad searched for jobs. But when his brain begins to attack itself to cope with the two sets of memories, Sam can't do anything to stop it.


A/N: _Hi there! So, this story came about like this. I was wondering about an AU world where Sam has both sets of memories, but I also wanted to do insane!Sam, but I also wanted to do the real SPN world but Sam is in another universe...so...this happened! In which, the authoress does not tell if Sam is actually insane or if he's the only same one there. I've been wanting to do something like this for a while. enjoy! _

_-Jaq_

* * *

><p>Sam woke up in a large, comfortable bed. He yawned, sitting up and smiling. The lump in bed next to him shifted so that blonde hair poked out of the covers.<p>

Suddenly, he winced. A headache this early in the morning? Great. The law firm would be such fun today... Sighing, Sam swung his feet out and stood up. The blonde lump poked it's head out, proving to be Jess.

Wait. No. This was all wrong. Jess died, she burned on the ceiling when he was twenty two- he would have died too, but Dean dragged him out- Dean-

"Who are you?" Sam asked Jess, tensing.

Jess sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes. "What do you mean? I'm Jessica Moore Winchester. You know. Your wife." She said it in a teasing way, but her eyes betrayed her concern.

"No. No, you died. You died in a fire- the demon set it- Jess, you're _dead_."

Jessica frowned, all serious now. "Yes, there was a fire," she said, "but we both got out alright. Remember? It was the night before you got your big break."

No. That night, he had run away with Dean. "Where's Dean?" he asked.

"Dean?" Jess looked very concerned now.

"My brother, Dean."

"Ohh..." Jess frowned. "Didn't he die in a fire when he was four? You told me once. He saved you, but died later of smoke inhalation. Is that who you mean?"

"No. Dean didn't die. Dean saved me. Mom died. And then Dad drove me and Dean all over the country to try and find Mom's killer. A demon. Are you a demon?"

"Sam, we're going to the hospital. I don't know what's wrong, but we have to go to the hospital! Please!"

Sam fell to his knees as his headache worsened. It felt like his head was splitting open. There were two sets of memories- one, hunting monsters with Dean and Dad, and another, getting dragged along road trips with his father and his father's endless job search. He couldn't take it. This was too much. Which was real?

"Come on, Sam," Jess said, coaxing. "Come on. It's gonna be okay."

Sam nodded weakly, and allowed Jess to help him into the car. They were both still in their pyjamas.

Jess broke the speed limit the entire way there. When they arrived, she helped Sam over to the waiting area and walked up to the desk.

"My husband is losing his mind," she said, remarkably calmly. "He woke up this morning convinced that I'd been dead for four years and that his brother, who died when my husband was a baby, is alive and well. I don't know what's wrong, but you need to see him. Immediately."

-:-

"Please, call Bobby Singer." Sam rattled off a number, and Jess sighed, tears finally brimmimg over.

"Okay," she whispered, pulling out her phone. "Can you give me a number?"

Sam rattled off a phone number, and Jess dialed. "Singer Salvage," came the rough voice on the other end.

Jess put it on speaker. "Bobby!" Sam said, desperately. "Bobby, something's wrong. I think it could be a djinn, or a Trickster, something. I woke up and Jess was alive! Bobby, what's going on"

The line was silent for a long minute. "Sam? Sam Winchester? I haven't heard from you in...hell, probably ten years! Sam...are you okay?"

"No! Bobby, this isn't real! It's..." Sam frowned. In one set of his memories, when Dean had been poisoned by the djinn, he had had to kill himself. But what if this was real? What if he really was going delusional?

"Bye, Bobby," Sam said, swallowing hard. He turned to Jess. "What's happening to me?"

Jess shrugged, wiping away a sole tear. "I'm not sure, Sam. But the doctors will figure it out."

"I don't know who I am," Sam whispered. "The scar on my back. Is it from a werewolf, or the time I slipped on the ladder while chopping off a dead limb? Jess, I don't know what's real anymore. I'm losing my mind. According to one set of memories, it's possible for me to have been thrown into this...alternate universe, and according to another I've been here this entire time. Jess, I don't know..."

"It's going to be okay, Sam," Jess whispered. Tears were coursing down her face now, and she was fighting to keep her voice level. "The doctors are going to put you to sleep, now. They're going to- to study your brain waves, try and figure out what's wrong." She swallowed, her grip on Sam's wrist growing tighter. "Please, Sam. Be okay."

Sam nodded numbly, staring at the IV tube in his right arm. A doctor entered, and plugged a syringe into it. Seconds later, Sam's vision began to waver. In less than a minute, he was out cold.

-:-

"John? John, thank God you came," Jess cried, rising up from her chair on the waiting room and running over to the man standing in the doorway. "John, I don't know what's going on..."

John brushed her aside, not unkindly, and strode up to the nurse on duty. "John Winchester. Can I see my son?"

The nurse frowned. "Winchester? ...No, it looks like he's unconscious and going through a CAT scan. Sorry."

John cursed under his breath and turned to Jess. "So he just woke up...babbling?"

Jess nodded. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but se wasn't crying anymore. "Did...who was Dean? I know he was Sam's brother, but...nothing else, really."

At that, John sighed and sat down. "Dean...Dean. Dean saved Sam's life, you know. He died of smoke inhalation six hours later, but he saved Sammy. When Sam was little, he used to pretend that Dean was alive. His...imaginary friend, if you will. I always told him that Dean was dead, but Sammy insisted. Always 'Dean this' and 'Dean that.' To be frank, I almost envied 'Dean'. Sam would always go to his invisible friend before me. I wondered if I was a bad parent, but..." John sighed again. "By age six or so, Sam grew out of it. I haven't heard much about Dean since."

"He keeps insisting that Dean's still alive. And that you're dead. Me, too," she added. "John, I...I really don't know what to do. I mean, one day, we're planning on adopting a kid, the next he's raving about demons and his dead brother." She sat back down next to John and let her head fall into her hands. "I just want everything to be okay."

John nodded and awkwardly put his hand on Jess' back. He had never been the closest of in-laws, but he had gotten on fairly well with his son's wife. Jess didn't flinch, so he moved his thumb in little circles, trying to soothe her a little.

-:-

Castiel. That was it. The key. He had to talk to Castiel. A prayer, something, anything.

Sam tried over and over and over again, until he couldn't focus on anything except his headache. Then, the pain meds kicked in, and he couldn't focus on anything, period.

"Jess..."

Her head floated lazily above the bed. She was a hallucination. No, real. No. Jess died, remember? No! Jess was his wife. He proposed the day after he was accepted into law school. No. He never went to law school.

Sam's head hurt. His dad's face joined Jess.

"I'm...in Heaven?" he croaked out hopefully. After all, that would make sense, right? Dad, Jess...but Sam's heaven would have Dean, too. "Where's...Dean?"

His father reached a hand out and placed it on Sam's shoulder. His voice sounded gruff when he responded. "Dean died, remember? From the smoke of the fire that killed Mom. You were just a baby, Sam."

"No...no, Dean's...alive."

"He's dead, dammit!" John snapped. Upon seeing the look on his son's face, however, he softened. "I'm sorry, Sammy," he said quietly.

"No. Only...only Dean c'n call me S'my."

"Sam, your brother died. I'm sorry. But you have me. Remember?" Jess' voice said, evenly.

"You died. Fire." Sam's brows creased over exaggeratedly. "I...there's two? You died...and...you didn't. Same with you." His eyes, the only thing he could move easily, flicked between his wife and his girlfriend.

"The doctors are reading the CAT scan now, Sam. They're going to figure out what's wrong. They're going to give you medicine, and you're going to get better." The tone in Jess' voice left absolutely no room for arguing or disputing, and Sam didn't try.

Instead, he fell back asleep, back to troubled, mixed-up dreams of a past he wasn't sure existed.

-:-

Sam awoke with a jolt. "Castiel said he's coming. That it's going to be okay," he said, quite convinced, to his father and wife. They had been sitting in plastic chairs by his bed, talking quietly, but upon Sam's waking both had stood up.

"Castiel?" Jess asked carefully, her face unemotive.

"Yes!" Sam replied enthusiastically. "He's an angel. He told me that I was in this universe temporarily, and that he was coming." Sam frowned. "I can't be in a hospital when he comes. I'll take the Impala somewhere, that'll work."

John swallowed. "You...wrecked the Impala, remember? Nearly killed me. It was...four or five years ago, now."

Sam just nodded. "That's right, I forgot. In this universe there's no Dean to have rebuilt her. It's okay, Dad."

"Sam..."

"I know you're worried. But Cas'll come. Just wait. He can be socially awkward, but he's a great guy. He said he would visit my dreams again tonight and tell me more. You have to trust me."

"And how the hell are we supposed to do that?" John bellowed suddenly. Jess shushed him, and he continued in a quieter voice. "Sam, you have to snap out of this. There is no 'Castiel,' no Impala, and no Dean!"

Sam stared quietly at the bedsheets and didn't reply. His right hand absentmindedly stroked his IV tube.

The three of them passed the next several minutes in silence until a nurse orderly stepped in.

"It's now six o'clock. I'm afraid visiting hours are over for the day, the young woman explaimed apologetically. She escorted Jess and John out of Sam's room.

-:-

Hospital food had much to be desired, Sam thought with a sigh. He supposed it was healthy, but would it kill them to serve something that wasn't boiled to death?

Sam laughed to himself, imagining Dean's reaction. He wondered if Dean was coming along with Castiel. Sam hoped so.

At nine o'clock, Sam went to bed, although it was early. He was eager to see Cas again, and maybe communicate back to the other universe.

Sam's dreams were cloudy, fragmented bits of memory from both sides, but there was nobody standing in a tan trenchcoat.

No Castiel.

Sam woke up. He checked the clock. Four a.m. precisely. Cas hadn't contacted him like he'd promised, but Sam knew one thing. He couldn't stay in the hospital. Quietly, he slipped out of bed. The IV was still running to his vein, but with a careful depress, Sam slid it out. It started bleeding, so he groped around until he found a band-aid to cover it up.

The door wasn't even locked. Sam snuck silently down the hallway, keeping to the shadows of the walls. He made it through almost the entire psychiatric ward before he encountered anyone.

The person he did encounter looked bored with their job. It was a man in his mid-thirties, slouching around slowly. Sam's pulse quickened. He couldn't leave a witness. Still, he knew how to knock a person out with just one punch (from a self-defense class or from necessity while hunting? It was a toss-up, but he knew either way), and the guard wouldn't even feel it until later.

Silently, Sam snuck up behind the man. He tapped his shoulder, and when the man spun, Sam gave a swift uppercut to the man's jaw, snapping his head back. He was out cold by the time Sam caught him.

Lying the man gently on the ground, Sam continued, faster this time.

What he hadn't anticipated was a group of doctors standing outside a room. Sam tried to turn back, but it was too late.

"What are you doing out of your room?" asked a kind female doctor that had helped with Sam's CAT scan. "You should be resting. Here, follow me."

She began walking towards him. Without thinking, Sam hit her and knocked her cold.

At that, the rest of the doctors looked wary. "Young man, we must insist you return to your room at once."

Sam began to panic, and lashed out. But he wasn't a match for so many, and before long someone stuck a syringe into his cartroid and Sam felt weightless and free. Calm.

-:-

When he woke up again, he was in his room. The door was locked.

-:-

"Sam, you tried to escape?" Jess repeated in horror. Sam nodded, smiling happily. The effects of whatever drugs he had been given had not worn off yet.

"I had to! To go find Cas."

"Did he...did Cas...visit your dream again?"

Sam's smile lessened slightly. "No. But it's okay. I'll go find him."

"Sam, he doesn't exist. Your mind is going crazy. There is no Castiel!"

Sam just smiled pityingly at Jess. "It's okay. Dean didn't believe in angels until he met one, either."

"Dean's dead! You can...believe he's with the angels now, in Heaven, but your brother _isn't alive_, Sam."

Sam shook his head, his smile finally slipping away. "Dean's alive. He's always been there. I stopped telling Dad about him because Dad didn't like it," he confessed, the truth sliding out easily under the influence of the medication.

Jess pursed her lips and looked down. "I...I have to go to work. Are you gonna be okay here? Your dad's outside. I wanted to have some...one-on-one."

"I'll be fine." Sam smiled up at her. "I couldn't stop crying when you died," he said. "I didn't even want to be around girls for more than a year. It felt like I was being unfaithful somehow."

"I'm right here, Sam," she whispered, placing her hand over Sam's bigger one. "Right here. I didn't die. And I'm not planning on doing so anytime soon. I'm gonna go now, okay? Be good. No more running off."

Sam smiled lazily and nodded.

-:-

As time wore on throughout the day, Sam's mind broke down more and more. Eventually, he couldn't remember what universe or string of memories he was currently in. His dad and wife visited him again that evening, but he was barely lucid most times. The times he was, it was with startling clarity.

The only thing Sam kept getting stuck on was Dean. He refused to believe that his brother really had died at age four, and kept insisting that Dean was 'out there.'

-:-

After a week, Sam was barely able to comprehend what was in front of him. The doctors said his brain was attacking himself, building an alternative version od events throughout his life, and trying to destroy the old Sam. It was all very confusing, but none of it was good.

"Castiel's coming," Sam said one day, staring straight at the small crowd of friends, co-workers, and of course his wife and father. "He has a plan. And this is part of it. He's an angel. He's bringing Dean. It's all okay. Understand? All okay."

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><p>AN 2: _I really hope you enjoyed that...I know it was a bit confusing but it's supposed to be! As to weather Sam has really seen Cas, or if he's just going insane, I refuse to say a thing. But you should have fun theorizing. That said, reviews please? I really love to hear what you think of my writing, and as this is a...different...idea, I'd love to hear thoughts..._

_Thanks for taking the time to read. Just doing that is awesome. Have a great night/day!_

_-Jaq_

_p.s. song of the day (imma do that now because I frigging want to and I just discovered this song): welcome to the black parade by my chemical romance. I dare you to go listen to that song and then tell me how awesome it was._

_p.s.a. (See what I did there): requests are, as always, open and very much appreciated. You will be given laurel wreaths and a chocolate bar if you give me prompts. _


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